Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[Falcon500]

A Farmer was hearding his flock of sheep into a remote pasture when a brand new Beemer drove out towards him and opend the window the driver was a young man in an itallian suit and was dressed in the best of everything he then said "If i can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The farmer then looks at the man and answers "I dont see a prbolem with that mate" So the yuppie parks his car and whips out his mobile phone and his lap top and makes a few phone calls and gets a scan done on the area and inside the car his printer spat out an excel worksheet with formulas lon it he then sent an email and his prionter spat out a 100 page report on the area "you have exactly 1586 sheep" he says "that correct take one of m' sheep" and he watched as the young man select oneof the animals and put it in his car and says "If i can guess what buisness yourin can i have my sheep back?" he says calmly "ok why not?" he answers. "clearly your a consultant"
"thats correct,but how did you guess that?
"well you turned up although noone called you,you want to get payed for an answer i already knew to a queastion i never asked and you dopnt know shit anout my buisness now give me back my dog!"

[ace]

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar trap. A $180.00 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $180.00. They responded with a mailed photo of handcuffs.

[doylede]

A bear and a rabbit meet in the woods. "Do you mind when shit sticks to your fur?" the bear asks the rabbit.

"No", says the rabbit.

"Good" says the bear, who picks up the rabbit and uses him to wipe his ass.

[GT500]

Have you heard the one about the lawyer and his dog and his wife and her gunpowder kegs who both walked into a bar?

Well..........neither have I!

[KeRmIt]

aaaaaaahahahahahha at the skunk killed with an axee ethats sum funny shit

[NoOne]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[NoOne]

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this guy asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, well, "female juices."

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've got to admit, I've got one hell of a mustache!"

[NoOne]

A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.

"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No," says the guy, "but I have two daughters who are dancers."

[jediali]

new BMW compact

[NSXType-R]

new BMW compact

Wow, hopefully no one was under that.

[clarkdavid]

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa.

Buy engagement rings

[clutch-monkey]

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa.
*link removed*

man spammers come with jokes now? awesome

[NoOne]

...^...
LMFAO


Gender-specific Definitions:


Butt (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal.

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Making love (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

[NoOne]

Male Code of Ethics

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat or Sweet November.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B.S. (Exception: When trying to pick up a woman, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 200 percent.)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is five minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up together, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem ... you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer and pizza.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant others ... low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

20. It is permissible to consume a fruity drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'." Then you may sit back and enjoy.

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never talk to a man in the bathroom.

27. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.

28. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "leave me alone!" you are absolved of your responsibility.

[Falcon500]

Well this is a great site i manged to get a few good laughs out of it.

Now heres a jokei heard a little while ago
Chris gos over to his friend Tonys house, but Tonys wife Nora, whos waering a dressing gown, tells him hes at the shops and invites him in to wait. They sit down and after some idle chit chat chris says "You know Nora, you have truely magnificent breasts. d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one" Nora thinks about this for second and figures what the hell and shows chris one and he slaps down the $100 on the table. They sit a while longer and chris says "my god! they are so beautiful. I'll give you another $100 if I could see them both together." Nora opens her robes and gives chris a nice long look he then slaps down another $100 and cant wait any longer and leaves. Tony arrives home and nora says "Your weird friend chris came over" Tony looks at her and akses "did he drop over the $200 he owes me?"